Emotions were energy-in-motion until they got gendered. Anger in men became a marker of authority and leadership. In women, it got labelled as being ‘difficult’ or ‘too much’. It signalled trouble.

Suppressed anger didn’t remain suppressed. It leaked and spilled as palatable emotions, as manageable energy – Tears, people-pleasing, silence, fake laughter, social withdrawal. It found home as tension in her jaws, in her inability to speak, a racing heartbeat. It built burrows in her liver, became a weight on her chest, a silent ache, a relentless back pain, an overwhelmed on-the-edge nervous system, a forever walk on eggshells, a ticking bomb waiting to explode. In all of it, she became a woman first and a human later.

“Stay manageable”, they said

“Don’t be bitter. Eat up the resentment”

Suddenly she was no longer a human. The whole range of emotions were not available to her. She could feel guilt, shame, depleted, drained, depressed but no- Not anger. She was a woman first and human later. Her femininity now had boundaries drawn around her. She could feel what is wrong but not be vocal about it. Her boundaries could be crossed but she could not cross. She could not be the full range of being a human. Why?

Because somewhere when emotions got gendered, she got labelled a woman first and a human later.

To live with dignity became a preserve of the few. Her anger no longer remained an information that needed to be heard. Rather it was seen as aggression, a rebellion. Aren’t women supposed to be peacemakers? Did they know that creating peace many a times springs out of navigating a conflict, of rocking the boat exactly when it felt dangerous to rock it. Somewhere in all of it, the nurturers forgot that roses have thorns and hearts are protected by rib bones. A woman rendered spineless is a depleted woman. A woman who got boxed as a woman first and a human later, palatable first and powerful later, desired first and loved later, conquered first and revered later, Venutian first and Martian later.

According to the American Autoimmune Related Diseases Association (AARDA), approximately 80% of the 50 million Americans living with autoimmune diseases are women. Suppressed anger is a huge cause of auto-immune diseases in women. The situation of women of colour is even more dire. Women are at a higher risk of suffering from chronic pain , insomnia, fibromyalgia and migraines. Women are twice as likely as men to die after a heart attack. They experience depression, anxiety, and PTSD at twice the rate of men. This self-silencing in women is a growing cause of depression in women. Chronic stress due to suppressed anger leads to inflammation and nervous system dysregulation.

Her rage is sacred, her fierceness divine. Her anger is humane and rage her right. What good is tenderness and softness when it is only to be drunk from and not poured into?

Emotions need not be gendered. Every human being by virtue of one’s humanity is entitled to whole range of emotional vocabulary. Once we start to gender emotions, a level of value gets attached to them. Some emotions become palatable, others don’t. This leads to emotional suppression in different genders. Once we begin to see emotions as just energy-in-motion, the need for gendering emotions automatically dissolves. At a time when we are busy celebrating 80’s photo trend, perhaps a shift from celebrating Bollywood’s ‘Angry Young Man’ to ‘Angry Woman’ would be a worthwhile one.